New pants and that uncomfortable feeling...

Okay - so at work we are doing a "Fitness Challenge." We are in Week 5 of 8 right now and I am feeling mildly pleased about my progress. Of course, working full time, going to school full time and having a little guy at home doesn't leave a ton of time for this whole "exercise" thing. (I am attempting to work on that this weekend.) Well -there is a light in this tunnel of no junk food and yummy things. I have been wanting gray dress pants for a while now and my favorite bra just had a CATASTROPHIC underwire failure (i.e. it was STABBING me in the armpit ALL DAY at work whic I truly believed was beginning to draw blood).

So I finally bit the bullet and went to Lane Bryant. This is dangerous as I heart new pretty clothes and bras. I normally wear a size 4 Average in their Yellow sizes. I tried on some WICKED cute pants in a size 4 Average and said to myself, "Self, these is be way not small enough for my not-quite-as-fat ass." WOOHOO! So I tried on a size 3 average and it fit... like... a... glove. I then managed to find a SWEET pair of jean trousers that are SO wicked cute it should not even be legal. I then moved to the bra department and the salesperson confirmed my measurement and then turned me on to the beautiful world of her favorite bra which feels like you aren't wearing a bra, yet your boobs are not at your ankles. I also replaced the bra that failed me. I also learned that there is a new "back smoothing" bra - I may need to go back there soon and pick up one of those - they ARE buy one get one 1/2 off... So ANYWAY, after JUST paying off my Lane Bryant card, I now have another $155 on it. But I feel no guilt for a few reasons:

1) Due to the catastrophic bra failure noted above, I can now keep my girls above my ankles
2) I needed pants that actually fit - somehow it actually makes me look BETTER than wearing pants that are saggy in every area possible
3) I will be able to pay off said purchase next month and it will then be a non-issue

As for the uncomfortable feeling noted in this blog's title, I would like to discuss the feeling that takes place in your tummy when you have ingested too much food. By "too much food" I mean food that is roughly 8 times the size of your actual stomach. So my hubby made dinner and once it was done, realized that I wasn't going to like it - which made me feel bad due to the fact that he was cooking for almost an hour and I am a whiny, picky shit head. So I decided to make something "healthy" for myself as I am still in my Fitness Challenge. I think that a peanut butter and banana sandwich with some fat free yogurt as "dessert" sounds pretty darn good. As I am a peanut butter fan - I put probably 8 servings on my sandwich and managed to eat my sandwich and yogurt in roughly 3 minutes.

Upon finishing my DELICIOUS dinner, my stomach feels as though it will start seizing at any moment. Not to mention that it is working out my abdominals by trying to force them out of my body through my belly button. As I have since removed my new comfortable bra, there is the counter pressure of the saggy gals as they are crushing my belly which is preventing the abdominals' escape. The endless war that only leaves me feeling blah and wanting to lay down and eat some Tums.

Ah life is sweet...

She hath returned...

I recently saw Julie & Julia and personally think that the whole "people read & love my blog" thing was interesting. I often wonder who spends their time surfing through random blogs. And - do multiple people get sent to the same blogs when you choose "next blog"? Do the blogs rotate in the same order or are they really, truly random? How do blogs become popular? Do you blog about other blogs? This whole thing is still foreign to me.

On a happier note - I took my first 2 vacation days since May today and tomorrow! Today my son, husband and I went to the State Fair. Talk about hot and irritating! Not to mention I am a horrible mother.

So we got on the bus and Little Dude wanted to walk around - not sit in dad's lap. So after much whining we got to the Fair and about a half block from the entrance, we came upon a Corn Dog stand.

Strike 1 - Little Dude was squirming like crazy so I decided to put his backpack/leash on him so he could wander a little. NOT a smart idea. We had not used it before and I chose the worst possible time to test it out. He walked until the "leash" got tight and then *SMACK* fell straight onto his face and skinned a huge chunk of skin off his forehead. (Insert HYSTERICAL screaming here) So I, of course, feel like a horrible mother who just injured her child. What an excellent start to the day.

Strike 2 - Our next activity was the Giant Slide. He loves being thrown up in the air and spun around and such so I assumed (foolishly) that a giant slide would provide joy. I was still so pissed at myself for, as I stated later, "Skinning his face off" that I made dad take him down the slide. He liked being at the top and seemed relatively delighted... until they actually proceeded down the slide. Not only did he scream, he also cried the ENTIRE way down the slide. As if that was not delightful enough, he was shaking like a leaf. So after capturing the moment of joy forever on our camera, it was time to move on.

We went to the little memorial area near the grandstand and he wandered around picking up wood chips from the ground and putting them back in plant area where they belonged. This particular trick was adorable and was captured by roughly 854 billion pictures. We finally decided to be on our merry way. It was lunch time so we fed him some lunch - green beans that he eats like the chunks are chewing tabackie and half a banana. We then went on the Skyride to have some downtime and look at all the people/rides/etc.

One would think at this point all was well with the world and we could be happy again. However, you would be wrong.

Strike 3 - No matter WHERE we went, the sun was CONSTANTLY in his face. He refuses to wear a hat or sunglasses so instead, he rubbed his eyes, squirmed and whined. FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS.

So please don't be shy - vote for me for the next Mother of the Year award! I am CERTAIN I will prevail. I hope to remain humble after receiving such a great honor...

Hectic!

Okay - so at the risk of sounding like a whiner - I need to air some crazy to you.

I start school tomorrow for the summer semester and I am freaking out. Last semester I was going part time (now I will be fill time) while working full time. My husband is in school part time and we are both taking care of our one year old son.

At work we have a huge project going to start all new packaging, a new sterilization process, new parts, new documentation, updated processes and new kits. My job is to update all the documentation and help set up all the manufacturing processes. (No pressure right?) Normally this wouldn't be a huge issue as the launch is August 1st but all the documentation hasn't even been started. Every time I try to get a new document through or a current document changed, it turns in to an epic battle of wills - me vs. marketing, me vs. R&D, me vs. whoever. What I find most infuriating is that someone will say "This is how I want it done" but they don't realize that the way a quality system works does not allow for each person to do whatever they want.

For example, you want to change Document A. Step 1 says "place the label on the box." You want to change it to say "Place the label, approximately centered, on the front of the box." In order to make that change, you need to make the changes and initial and date. Then you fill out a cover page that says "Step 1 was updated to say..." And the rationale (i.e. "to eliminate confusion about where the label should be placed") is also written out. The redline and cover sheet go to specific people who review it and say "yes that makes sense." The redline and cover sheet go into a file, the original document moves from the master file to the history file and the new document goes into the master file. The master file contains the most recent version of all documents.

Person 1 wants the original version, the redline and the final version attached to the cover sheet "just in case someone is looking at this cover sheet and wants to see the final version." (Why not just go to the master file like you are supposed to?)

Person 2 wants to review all documents that could effect this change, any documentation showing this change is needed, and have a meeting to discuss why everyone else agreed to the changes without researching everything first.

Person 3 wants to release the new version but use the old version until they have had time to test any risks associated with changing the label placement.

Person 4 doesn't want to sign anything until person 2 and 3 are satisfied.

Person 5 wants it to say "The blue label should be affixed to the center of the box. The label should be centered on the top side of the box, as indicated by the company logo which is printed on the top side of the box. The label should also be firmly pressed onto the box to ensure the entire body of the label, as well as all edges and corners attach securely to the box surface."

Person 6 hates periods and commas in lists, on labels and in some steps of processes and won't sign anything until you take them out.

Needless to say, getting all these documents released is going to be a nightmare. The best part is that they (person 1 through person 6) have imposed a deadline of June 1st on me. What they don't realize is how many documents need to change and how long that process takes.

So I have that going on as well as inspection for all the new parts and all my regular duties of inspection, documentation and clinical trial patient follow-up.

Now that I am starting school tomorrow full time I have less time to devote to work and will have twice as much homework. The worst part is that I feel like I don't give my family nearly enough. At the same time I feel like I am doing all of this for them. So I don't know what to do.

The part that upsets me most is that my one year old is ridiculously cute and always happy to see me but on Tuesdays and Thursdays I will leave home at 6:30AM and not get home until 10:30PM. I will be gone for 16 hours. I will be missing those cute little moments that always put a smile on my face. However, I also see that I am missing these moments but I will be done before he is 3 and he won't even remember that I was gone a lot or doing homework all the time. And I know my degrees will help me in my career and, in return, help my family.

It just seems a little overwhelming at the moment. And I am irriated with Persons 1-6 listed above that never seem to realize that I might, in fact, know a little bit about what I am talking about. Ah to be young...

Survey time...

First thing you wash in the shower? My hair

What color is your favorite hoodie? Twins hoodie - so blue red and white

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Indeed

Do you plan outfits? Not really - unless it's a special occasion

How are you feeling RIGHT now? Sleepy

Whats the closest thing to you that's red? A baby toy

Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I was at camp or something and everyone was hanging out in forts made with blankets draped between sections of bleachers

Did you meet anybody new today? Nope

What are you craving right now? Sleep

Do you floss? The 2 days before my dentist appointment haha

What comes to mind when I say cabbage? The character on Scrubs

Are you emotional? I think I am fairly balanced - it's amazing what small children will do to your emotional patterns

Have you ever counted to 1000? Probably - I would assume while driving 10 hours to Indiana some summer

Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick mostly

Do you like your hair? It's fun but I can't wait until it can be in a ponytail again

Do you like yourself? Most of the time

Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Sure - I would laugh the whole time - it would be fun

What are you listening to right now? Law & Order SVU

Are your parents strict? No - even if they were it wouldn't have a huge effect on me anymore

Would you go sky diving? Definitely

Do you like cottage cheese? Nope

Have you ever met a celebrity? Nope

Do you rent movies often? Not for years -no wait I had Netflix for a while - got rid of that several months ago

Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? My wedding ring

How many countries have you visited? Haiti and Canada

Have you made a prank phone call? Yeah - "Is RICHARD there?!?!?!?" hehehehehehe

Ever been on a train? Just the Minnesota Zephyer

Brown or white eggs? Whatever

Do you have a cell-phone? Yes

Do you use chap stick? If I remember

Do you own a gun? Nope

Can you use chop sticks? Hell to the no

Who are you going to be with tonight? My husband and son

Are you too forgiving? Not anymore - I definitely used to be

Ever been in love? Yes

What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Watching the baby and then going to school

Ever have cream puffs? Yeah

Last time you cried? Last week

What was the last question you asked? Can you get that list thing for me?

Favorite time of the year? Anything but summer

Do you have any tattoos? 2

Are you sarcastic? Indeed

Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? I don't think so - was Ashton Kutcher in that one - or is that the Kevin Costner one? Meh - don't care

Ever walked into a wall? Almost everyday

Favorite color? Blue

Have you ever slapped someone? Indeed

Is your hair curly? Nope

What was the last CD you bought? Jason Mraz through iTunes

Do looks matter? Inevitably yes but it is not a make or break thing

Could you ever forgive a cheater? Nope - and I expect the same in return

Is your phone bill sky high? Not anymore!! Although $100 for a cell phone account is ridiculous

Do you like your life right now? It's going well right now

Do you sleep with the TV on? Nope

Can you handle the truth? Most of the time - but request that I always hear it even if I don't like it

Do you have good vision? 20/15

Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Nope - just 2

How often do you talk on the phone? Not very much - not a huge fan of the phone if I can avoid it

What are you wearing? Blue sweats and blue t-shirt

What is your favorite animal? Monkey

Where was your default picture taken at? My house

Can you hula hoop? Maybe - haven't tried lately

Do you have a job? Yes - I LOVE it!

What was the most recent thing you bought? A dress for our formal dinner for work

Have you ever crawled through a window? HAHA yeah

What CD is in your CD player in your car currently? Jason Mraz

The last concert you attended? No idea

What do you see when you look out your living room window? There is no window in my living room

Last thing you printed on your printer? Baby's birthday party plans

What is on the top of your entertainment center, if anything? TV

What is your passion? Love

What are your plans for the summer? School and work

Proposal

So now that I am back in college, I am trying to adjust to having homework again as well as finding the time to get it done. My first course was Oral Communication and I seemed to sail through it for the most part. We had homework but not much and it was fun to work on. I am in Professional Writing now and can't seem to motivate myself to get my assignments done. Class ended last Monday and I have until this coming Tuesday to get my final paper done and I haven't started it yet.

I need to write a 10 page business proposal and have no motivation to complete it. Once I complete it I have 4 weeks off for summer vacation with no homework to worry about. It needs to be in a specific format and cited in a specific way that I am not used to. I grew up using MLA style and now I need to use APA. My professor has been involved with APA for 4 years and still doesn't have all the rules down so that makes me a little wary and lessens my motivation further.

When school resumes in May I will be going full-time and will have twice as much homework. I am excited to learn as much as I can and build new skills with this degree but I am also already getting tired. I need to find a balance between work, school, and family that will allow me to remain sane but still allow motivation to complete good work in school.

Wish me luck - this will be an interesting adventure. :-)

What would you call it?

Sometimes I wonder how I got to this place in my life. To be a 23 year old mom, full-time student, working full-time, taking care of a 3 person family on my own; it adds some pressure to the daily routine. I need to work hard enough to make enough money to pay the bills that keep us fed, clothed, sheltered and together. I need to push myself enough to finish school to get a good job and move ahead in my career to continue providing for my family.

I could very easily lose all motivation and give up but then I look at my son's sweet little face, tongue sticking out and all, and it forces me to keep moving through life.

Some days I feel like I am in a dream. I feel like I am 16 and should be going to high school instead of work. I should be partying on the weekends or going to movies, staying out late and doing stupid teenager stuff with my friends. I feel like I may have missed out on those experiences - dating, having more fun, living life a little more carelessly for a while.

But at the same token, I wouldn't trade my family for the world. I love my husband and I cannot imagine not having my son. Okay - that's a bit of a stretch - I can imagine sleeping in on weekends, going out Friday nights, going out with friends, and so forth. However, I would rather have the life I have now. My son is amazing. He is 11 months old, has 5 teeth and is now crawling like crazy. He pulls himself up onto his knees on anything he can reach so walking won't be far behind. And he is so cute it's completely ridiculous. I keep thinking if I was with anyone else or at a different time in life I wouldn't have this child. I would have no child or a different child. He is so perfect I can only thank my lucky stars that this is the child I have.

Going to school full-time scares me. Right now I am going part-time. Starting in May it will be full-time. I am lucky to be able to work this into my hectic schedule but I have a feeling homework will soon overwhelm me. Part-time is manageable along with work. I work, on average, 47 hours each week. Class right now takes another 5 hours a week (soon to be 10 hours) plus 3 hours a week (soon to be 6 hours) for homework. Rowdy has school Monday and Wednesday nights, when I start full-time, I will go to school Tuesday and Thursday. Luckily we will have weekends together but we will be doing homework and trying to take care of the baby.

I have also decided that I need to get my weight under control to avoid diabetes and just to feel better and be able to be active as my son grows up. I have tried to control my weight for years and haven't found a way to keep myself on track. I am determined to focus on this aspect of my life and my husband has agreed to go on this journey with me. We need to do this for our son so that he doesn't need to worry about his weight and health for the rest of his life. I am hoping to lose 20 pounds (preferably more) by the end of summer. Rowdy and I have discussed the possibility of having another child but I refuse to if I am still this heavy. I have never had much self esteem and I need to change that. I just want to get to the point that I feel pretty when I look in the mirror. I am sick of knowing that every time Rowdy tells me I am beautiful I don't think it's a lie. I want to be comfortable with myself and feel beautiful. So that is my new mission to add into my schedule.

As well as this blog. One more thing to add on to the list - and I hope to keep this going. It helps me release my thoughts and I hope this will also keep me motivated to pursue my dreams and succeed with all my goals.

Thanks for sticking with me - talk to you soon.