What would you call it?

Sometimes I wonder how I got to this place in my life. To be a 23 year old mom, full-time student, working full-time, taking care of a 3 person family on my own; it adds some pressure to the daily routine. I need to work hard enough to make enough money to pay the bills that keep us fed, clothed, sheltered and together. I need to push myself enough to finish school to get a good job and move ahead in my career to continue providing for my family.

I could very easily lose all motivation and give up but then I look at my son's sweet little face, tongue sticking out and all, and it forces me to keep moving through life.

Some days I feel like I am in a dream. I feel like I am 16 and should be going to high school instead of work. I should be partying on the weekends or going to movies, staying out late and doing stupid teenager stuff with my friends. I feel like I may have missed out on those experiences - dating, having more fun, living life a little more carelessly for a while.

But at the same token, I wouldn't trade my family for the world. I love my husband and I cannot imagine not having my son. Okay - that's a bit of a stretch - I can imagine sleeping in on weekends, going out Friday nights, going out with friends, and so forth. However, I would rather have the life I have now. My son is amazing. He is 11 months old, has 5 teeth and is now crawling like crazy. He pulls himself up onto his knees on anything he can reach so walking won't be far behind. And he is so cute it's completely ridiculous. I keep thinking if I was with anyone else or at a different time in life I wouldn't have this child. I would have no child or a different child. He is so perfect I can only thank my lucky stars that this is the child I have.

Going to school full-time scares me. Right now I am going part-time. Starting in May it will be full-time. I am lucky to be able to work this into my hectic schedule but I have a feeling homework will soon overwhelm me. Part-time is manageable along with work. I work, on average, 47 hours each week. Class right now takes another 5 hours a week (soon to be 10 hours) plus 3 hours a week (soon to be 6 hours) for homework. Rowdy has school Monday and Wednesday nights, when I start full-time, I will go to school Tuesday and Thursday. Luckily we will have weekends together but we will be doing homework and trying to take care of the baby.

I have also decided that I need to get my weight under control to avoid diabetes and just to feel better and be able to be active as my son grows up. I have tried to control my weight for years and haven't found a way to keep myself on track. I am determined to focus on this aspect of my life and my husband has agreed to go on this journey with me. We need to do this for our son so that he doesn't need to worry about his weight and health for the rest of his life. I am hoping to lose 20 pounds (preferably more) by the end of summer. Rowdy and I have discussed the possibility of having another child but I refuse to if I am still this heavy. I have never had much self esteem and I need to change that. I just want to get to the point that I feel pretty when I look in the mirror. I am sick of knowing that every time Rowdy tells me I am beautiful I don't think it's a lie. I want to be comfortable with myself and feel beautiful. So that is my new mission to add into my schedule.

As well as this blog. One more thing to add on to the list - and I hope to keep this going. It helps me release my thoughts and I hope this will also keep me motivated to pursue my dreams and succeed with all my goals.

Thanks for sticking with me - talk to you soon.